As soon as we get to a place where we can say, “I’m ready to heal. I’m ready to work on myself so I can communicate and love better,” we find ourselves unable to move on to the next step in the process- the actual healing. Why is that?
Why can’t we heal ourselves if we’ve already acknowledged that we need the healing? Healing can’t happen if we don’t know what we’re healing from. That’s where our childhood comes in. A lot of Black love relationships don’t last long because we are still walking around with the wounds from our mothers and fathers. Yes, we are working on our healing but we’re not looking for the answers in the right place. Childhood trauma is a real thing and we unknowingly carry that into adulthood. It dictates how we communicate and how we thrive in our relationships. It starts at home.
The first step in healing is admitting
During the healing process, many are not aware of the major role their parents played in their programming. They struggle to form healthy relationships and create a life they desire, and can even be experiencing health and weight issues.
As adults, we sometimes are in denial and refuse to admit to ourselves that a lot of things we went through as children were traumatic. Once we can fully admit that, we can start to heal better and faster. We don’t want to say bad words about our parents because we think, “well, my parents never abused me” or “we had it good and so many people had it worse”. While these things may be true, we can still acknowledge that our parents did their best, but also created programs within us that greatly impact our lives. The way we move through the world has everything to do with how we were raised.
You don’t talk bad about your mother and father
In the Black community especially, we’re taught to always respect our elders and don’t talk bad about our mother and father. I’m here to say f*ck that, and f*ck them. The reason why I’m saying this is because until you can move into a space where you can get angry and say, “I’m mad as hell at you for doing this to me,” your healing will never come. Speak from your heart, don’t sugarcoat the crap you went through as a kid because “you’re not supposed to talk about your mother and your father.”
You will never be able to heal until you admit that some of the things they did or said, were wrong. We don’t realize it’s a problem when we say things like, “yea my mama beat me as a kid, but that’s because I was bad”. Black men, especially, don’t realize the trauma that this hides in between the lines. Why did our parents beat us when we were “bad” instead of sitting us down and explaining to us why what we did was wrong. Children are still growing and developing. We didn’t need spankings. We needed communication. Now, as adults, we struggle with communicating our emotions and feelings in our relationships.
You know you’re angry
Stop trying to wrap things in love and light when you haven’t dealt with your anger. You know you’re angry. Admit that you’re pissed about what you went through with your parents. Write it out, scream it out, cry it out and then burn all of the angry things you wrote.
Then, replace all of that with love and light. I’ll share my super-effective process later.
Acknowledge that your parents messed up. They only did what they were taught to do. That’s not to say that what they did was okay, but understanding this will help you get closer to healing and breaking those generational programs. Generational programming is the conflicting and toxic tradition we pass down from generation to generation. We keep passing them down due to tradition but they’re holding us back and they’re not allowing us to heal so we can be better for our children and ourselves.
The point of origin is your childhood, take off the blinders and look at it for what it is. This is not for everyone and all of us may not have “mommy” and “daddy” issues, but for those that do, and have not been able to clear and live the life that you want, you need to revisit your childhood. We may have gotten to the point where we do acknowledge what our parents did but have we voiced that? Have we admitted that we’re angry and said, f*ck you mom, f*ck you dad. I hate you.” Rage and anger are powerful energy to work with, and we keep it pent up inside because we believe we shouldn’t show or feel it. If you’re ever going to heal, get angry. Let the people who hurt you know that you’re angry. It’s okay to go there.
Anger attacks your body
Not only is all that anger wreaking havoc on your mind, but it’s also wearing on your body. When you start to feel that something isn’t right within you, that’s your body attacking itself. It’s saying, “you need to release all this anger and resentment.” Internalizing all of that pent-up anger from your childhood causes your body to turn on itself which can cause disease and medical-related illnesses. Think about all of those years that you held in that anger, resentment, and bitterness towards your parents and never said anything about it. Mentally and physically, it’s going to f*ck you up. Sometimes you just have to get in your car and scream, you need to cry or create something. However you decide to do it, just get that sh*t out.
Heal from your childhood
Acknowledging that we have been traumatized from our childhoods is the first step in healing. We must take this first step before we move on. The next step in the healing process is figuring out how it’s hurting our relationships with other people and ourselves.
What is it about what our parents put us through as children that makes it hard for us to date? Why is our childhood relevant to what we are struggling with as adults? Don’t be afraid to say a bad word against your parents. They f*cked up! Now, get angry. Yell, scream, write- do whatever you have to do to get all of that built-up emotion out so you can let love in.
You do not have to disrespect your parents either. They don’t even have to know that you are doing this process. My favorite release exercise is writing a letter to my parents expressing how I feel. Raw and uncut. I read it out loud, feeling the anger and hurt at its full intensity. Then, I say “ I release this situation to the Divine Love that purifies, clarifies, rectifies, and heals all my connections.”
The hardest part is the anger and acknowledging the truth about its roots. Just remember, you will come out of this so much stronger, happier, and with healthy boundaries.
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About the author
Shara Prophet, C.Ht. is a speaker, expert lecturer, Certified Hypnotherapist, Mystic, and author of The B.E.M.A.G.I.C. Manifestation Workbook. She specializes in personal development and behavior modification and is the founder of Open Door Hypnosis and The B.E.M.A.G.I.C. School. Shara created this blog to teach people “cheat codes” to live a more healthy, peaceful, and prosperous life. She was recently featured on OWN in the Dark Girl’s 2 Documentary.